On Wednesday afternoon (8.18.17) I had an interaction with a superior officer (SO). He was being extremely aloof and refused to explain his reasoning for something and it upset me. He started explaining my behavior and called my a tyrant, a 5 year old with a temper tantrum, vindictive, negative, and many other things, ultimately expressing I was a weak officer.
I bucked up and refused to allow him to continue as it was cruel and the very first time anyone ever informed me of this behavior. The conversation escalated and I was extremely insubordinate. He eventually hung up on me.
I was very upset at myself for losing control with him and allowing him to push my buttons.
He was in a long line of emotional abusers in my life but he was without a doubt the last.
I knew I experienced some Post Traumatic Stress from Iraq and my previous life experiences.
He sent an email following the interaction to my superiors which highlighted my behavior. I read it and instantly recognized the symptoms.
I was displaying PTSD behavior.
Short tempered, easy to anger, avoidance, vulgar language (well I’ve been swearing since I was about 5, that is pretty much a trait at this point), pushing authority, insubordination….the list goes on.
You add in the flashbacks I’ve been healing with Jeff and Shaleia, my inability to concentrate, numbing my emotions, headaches, lack of concentration, no motivation to get out of bed, weight issues….
That night, I was extremely overwhelmed and upset – thank God I had TFAS class....Jeff instantly dialed in and started with me - I wasn't surprised.... Him, Shaleia, and the class loved me through it for a solid 90 minutes. Limitless Unconditional Love – it is absolutely beautiful.
I am grateful to the SO for highlighting my behavior and ultimately loving me. God speaks through us all!
I didn’t get any sleep Wednesday night – I just couldn’t turn my brain off…
I am grateful to the SO. He is also an emotional abuser….He is no longer my abuser.
Thursday morning, I self-reported for PTSD.
My first call:
0638hrs: I was directed to a registered nurse. She was wonderful, took down all my information, was extremely compassionate and transferred me to an appointment line in Naples. I started talking to a man in Naples to make an appointment....I was disconnected.
I waited 5 minutes… no phone call.
0639hrs: I call back and instead of being directed to a nurse, I was told to call back and choose option #3.
0642hrs: I call back choose #3 – was routed to 5 different options – couldn’t get back to the appointment line.
0643hrs: I called back, the operator pulled my file after some coaxing, completely changed tones with me on the phone and asked – Ma’am, I’m going to put you on hold for 1 minute, please do not hang up. 5 minutes later of insane atrocious elevator music – I am back on the phone with her and she can’t find the number. I end the phone call….it shouldn’t be this hard. I head into work.
During the morning – I informed my chain of command and hashed out all kinds of information – that sucked. The SO decided to rush to my bosses office. He comes and tells me the SO is on his way and I request permission to be dismissed. My boss releases me as he agrees, it is not a good time for me to see him…..I ran – totally hit flight mode.
I was so tired, I ended up in my battle buddy’s office, hiding behind a door. It was not my greatest moment. They helped me wait it out until the SO’s location was identified and I left the building.
I was running. I had done this before, I recognized the pattern.... I was not owning my power.
I stopped in the parking lot, took a breath, closed my eyes, looked down to my heart and waited for guidance.
Go home and Take Care of Yourself
0919hrs: I call back – I get a hold of a human at Naples and ask for an appointment. I was informed my Primary Care Doctor is not in and they will call me back with an appointment time.
I went home to get some sleep.
I received an email around 1230hrs from the hospital.
1344hrs: I call back – You have an appointment for tomorrow (Friday) to see your Primary Care Doctor for a referral at 1300hrs.
Later that night, my battle buddies check in on me and we have dinner.
Friday: Today I woke up and completed my daily meditation, and card reading. I knew it was going to be a interesting day and I wanted to be at my best. I absolutely know – maintaining my spiritual practices is crucial to my success.
I also ate although I am not hungry. It is important and I know that. I am also drinking a shitload of water.
I had a really bad headache, it has been lingering since Wednesday…I guess that is a migraine.
The meditation this morning really helped….I feel much better and if it creeps back in, I take about 5 minutes to meditate and relieve it.
On the way to work today, I felt anxious. I simply heard We love you in the back of my mind and had a vision of a circle of energy, people, my TFAS family around me. I felt incredibly grateful for those who love me - I felt positive energy filter through me. I smiled and held on to it all day.
Today at work was ok. My battle buddies and I went for coffee and it was pretty uneventful.
I was unable to concentrate on anything and was shaky, even during coffee.
I just felt anxious.
I was heading out today for my appointment and I ran into a senior officer that would trigger me on the SO. I had been avoiding him for some time now but I knew that was fear - I was over that shit.
No avoidance - just hold your head up and walk out the door and of course be professional.
We Love You - I felt gratitude for those who love me and positive energy rushed through me.
I smiled and said good morning to him. He was engaged with someone else at the door and I walked on by...
I go to my appointment at 1300hrs and explained my situation to the Doctor’s Aide. I was honest and felt extremely vulnerable. I mostly discussed the current situation that occurred this week and my behavior over the last year.
The Doctor comes in, introduces himself, sits down and confirms I want a referral to behavioral health for depression and anxiety. I didn’t understand and informed him I have a cycle of abuse that has emerged since childhood and symptoms of PTSD which have been brought to my attention by the SO this week.
He said, OK – just wait in the lobby for about 5 minutes and I’ll submit the referral. I’ll come tell you and you can head over to behavioral health to see a mental health provider.
He was with me for less than 5 minutes.
I wait 20 minutes, no notification. I see the doctor and the aide drinking coffee and laughing in the common break area.
I guess my referral was submitted.
I head into behavioral health to see the mental health provider and was informed they only review referrals in the morning. I will be contacted on Monday to start the paperwork to see a provider and make an appointment.
I asked if I could make an appointment now for Monday or if I can start the paperwork.
That is not an option. They have to review my referral first, then I complete the paperwork, then they assign me a provider, then I make an apoinment. They only review referrals in the morning.
There was no one waiting in the waiting area...it was empty.
I walked out, feeling very frustrated, confused, and insignificant....I thought they were going to help me.
I have absolutely no idea what kind of treatment I expected….but this was not it. The most compassionate individual I encountered was the aide, he was almost in tears as I explained my situation.
I instantly started mirroring my feelings. I needed to take a moment to love myself and let that shit go...
I knew our system was broken and I am not a danger to myself or anyone else…. but damn - I had no idea it was like this.
I made it to my car and the tears started falling - I should not have been driving....They do not care….They do not love me.
We Love you - I breathed, calmed myself down and felt grateful for those who love me.
I got home and laid down.
I closed my eyes and started thanking God for everyone and everything in my life.
My incredible group of Army Battle Buddies who love me and are going to make me a priority, help me with anything, and always make me laugh. They are healthy and good for me! Laughing is a powerful healing energy.
My TFAS family and the unconditional love of everyone in it.
My friends who love me and are helping with my home in Missouri.
My downstairs neighbors who love me.
The unconditional love I have for God, myself, and my Twin. Mario is the greatest gift of all time.
Yes, the system is lacking and it sucks, I will get frustrated, I will mirror it, heal, and move forward - too easy.
The people involved and the medical system are lacking love - I am just the next patient in line...
I choose love, I choose to heal.
It is safe to be me.
I choose to be seen and I choose to be heard.
If you are unfamiliar with any terms in this post - please reference my glossary of terms.
*If you are inspired and choose to deepen your relationship with Love by joining TFAS or Life Purpose Class - I invite you to refer me, Chrissy Kay, at time of purchase. You will receive 4 weeks of FREE coaching in my live group coaching class. Check it out here.